Editor: Jane Golding is a certified Mediator from Louisiville.  In this article she shares with us her impressions of the workings of a real life mediation.

How Did They Do That?

Family Mediation

From Practicum To Being In The Moment

By Jane Golding

     Imagine this common scenario.  A petitioner and defendant in a divorce case, along with their respective counsel, trying to work out a suitable visitation schedule for their children.

    The opposing parties are hostile and ugly toward each other, again, nothing uncommon here. The room seems to heat up with vile accusations of infidelity, drug use, and blatant neglect of the children.  Each seems more adamant than the other to be heard and somehow vindicated.  The anger and emotions heighten to such a degree that no one  listens, positions solidify. They have successfully reached an impasse Now the judge will decide. 

    Nothing has actually changed between the parents except that their anger will escalate  knowing that the decision for what is best for their children is out of their hands.  A few months later they are back in court. 

    Now, imagine this scenario. The parents are back in court. This time, the judge orders mediation.  The parents, along with their respective counsel, are   meeting to work out a suitable visitation schedule for their children.  This time a court appointed mediator will facilitate the meeting. Once again, the anger and emotions heighten to such a degree that no one listens, positions solidify. What the parents say and what the parents really want are unrelated.  After much shouting and accusations of wrong doings on both sides, the parents have a magic moment in time in which they turn to each other and begin to speak.  Calmness prevails and civility is at its helm. The parents settle on an acceptable schedule.  How did they do that?

     Several months after completing my Civil and Family Mediation Training,   I had the opportunity to co-mediate in a “real life” family case ordered by the court  In our Family Mediation training class, we were given role plays in which we were taught to first explain the process, identify our position of neutrality, then most importantly, LISTEN. A mediator is trained to hear more than that which is said.  Without emotional baggage, key interests are  identified and framed or paraphrased by the mediator.  During the role plays, the “parents” began to speak directly to each other.  Interests were satisfied and a settlement was reached. 

      In the “real life” family case, the mother wanted “primary” custody and the father, fearful of this “title”, resisted  The father wanted to be able to see his children without asking permission.  On the surface, their situation seemed simple.   Dig a little deeper.    Beneath this surface is a situation layered with lack of money,  past transgressions, criminal records, extended family interference and revenge. To this find, add generous amounts of name calling.  Both admit that their selfish behavior took place in front of their children.

     The senior mediator in this case, following the training class format, asked  for information, sometimes repeatedly.  The mediator asked them what they wanted and how they might get what they wanted.  They didn’t know how to communicate with each other.   They only knew how to argue, creating a larger rife. We became their teachers.  After a couple hours of listening to the couple vent their rage,  they were asked to then tell each other what they wanted.  Immediately, they began telling us what they didn’t want. The mediator repeated the request and the parents cooperated.  The mediator asked each parent to repeat back to the other parent what he or she thought the other had said.  It was remarkable to the parents that neither one had heard what the other one had actually said.  Laughter, then tears, broke out in the room. 

  Most of their anger had very little to do with the actual scheduling of visitation, shopping, or who would attend the ballgames.   The couple wanted an opportunity to tell their story.  Most of all, they each wanted mutual respect.

  That is how the parents did that! Mediation is how they got their needs met, not a judge ordering hours and minutes.   

Disclaimer:    We are not attempting to practice law, give advice or represent ourselves as anything more than a resource portal with many unique features. Our design is copyrighted. We have no claim of any affiliation with any linked website nor any liability for anything they may say or do. We, and our contributing authors, offer no warranties of any type, to anyone, about anything express or implied.  What you see is what you get, we cannot afford to be your insurer.   

By going further into this site, you accept this complete waiver of all warranties.

© All material copyrighted, LawReader, Inc. 314 7th. St., Carrollton, Ky. 41008